


lay my head on the hood of your car

by conspirings



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: F/F, Jealousy, Memory Alteration, Secret Kalex Santa
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-25
Updated: 2019-12-25
Packaged: 2021-02-25 21:06:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,394
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21881986
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/conspirings/pseuds/conspirings
Summary: There was no way her mother and Kara were trying to set Alex up with Supergirl. No wayin hell.
Relationships: Alex Danvers/Kara Danvers
Comments: 9
Kudos: 281
Collections: Secret Kalex Santa 2019





	lay my head on the hood of your car

**Author's Note:**

  * For [dare121](https://archiveofourown.org/users/dare121/gifts).



> Happy holidays everyone! I couldn't quite nail down the plot of this thing and ran out of time before I could explore what I was meaning to, but I hope my giftee enjoys it anyway :)

“Why are you here?” Alex asked, frozen in the doorway. Normally finding anyone abnormal inside Kara’s apartment would warrant a gun, safety off, pointed at the accused, but Alex felt no need to even reach for her weapons. Instead she used the paper bags of groceries in her arms as shields and kept staring.

Stood on the other side of the living room was Supergirl, clutching the open balcony door, wide eyed and utterly trapped. Alex watched as she looked back the way she’d clearly come, ready to make a run for it. She likely would’ve leapt before Alex could stop her, if not for Eliza losing patience and sliding past Alex into the apartment. Her mom paused as she caught sight of Supergirl. Whatever reaction Alex had expected, it wasn’t for Eliza to recover with a nod, nudging Alex aside to close the door.

“Manners, honey. I invited Supergirl to dinner,” her mom said, walking casually towards said flying menace and placing a maternal hand on her forearm. Supergirl looked away from Alex with a jolt and exchanged what she could only describe as a “meaningful look” with her mom.

Alex scowled. How had her mom and Supergirl become _friends_? 

Without further explanation or allowing time for Alex to complain, Eliza directed her into the kitchen and pulled Supergirl into the hallway. She watched as her own mother and National City’s premier Super whispered quietly to each other. Supergirl was clearly panicked, glancing every so often at Alex as she grudgingly unpacked the groceries onto the counter. Eliza murmured quietly to Supergirl until she looked too resigned to do anything but nod softly—so even Kryptonians weren’t immune to her mom’s steamrolling. 

Alex looked up. Supergirl waved. She did not wave back. Supergirl frowned.

She was not going to feel bad for making a super powered puppy sad, so Alex opened the fridge and got herself a beer. When the fridge door shut, Supergirl was standing in front of her. She took a measured tug from her bottle, using the action as a means to calm herself. The only reason Alex didn’t immediately throw hands was due to a decade’s worth of DEO training—and the distinct need to appear unruffled by the way Supergirl’s hair seemed princess blonder than usual.

“I’m sorry for intruding, Alex, your mom was nice enough to ask me for drinks.”

She didn’t bother asking Supergirl to call her Director, not while they were in Kara’s apartment which Supergirl has obviously visited before. Thinking about that friendship always gave her a headache so she actively tried to divert her attention. Alex watched her mom go about her business—very far away from the kitchen, even though they were meant to be cooking dinner. 

“How do you know my mother?”

Supergirl shifted her feet. “Kara introduced us.”

“Right.”

“Yeah.”

Supergirl was being as awkward as Alex felt, holding the end of her cape like a hat in her hands. Alex, on the other hand, didn’t know how to reconcile Supergirl with her personal life. Each passing moment solidified the fact that Supergirl didn’t know what to do with her unless she was holding a badge and wearing a uniform.

The buzz of her phone saved her from starting on the weather. A text from Kara; six hundred emoji’s and a short message about being late because Snapper was being a humongous pain in the butt. 

“Kara’s going to be late.”

“ _Oh?_ ” Supergirl hummed and looked away. Years of working with her informed Alex that this was poorly rehearsed surprise. Supergirl was certainly not an actress in her day-to-day life. Often Alex wondered how Supergirl kept her alias secret enough even Alex didn’t know who she was in her off time.

Sharp pain lanced through her mind at the thought, distracting her for a moment. She pressed the heel of her hand hard against her temple until she could focus again. When she glanced up from her episode, Supergirl looked painfully concerned, the crinkle between her eyes deeper than Alex had ever seen it. Her hands hovered around Alex, like she wanted to touch but knew Alex wouldn’t allow it.

“Should I bring you to the DEO?”

“No.”

The headache abated. In a move Alex wouldn’t allow herself to think through, she leaned into Supergirl’s space in what she knew was a threatening manner. Usually this resulted in the other party backing up and finding the nearest exit. Winn almost shat himself the last time she’d deployed this tactic on him.

No such luck with the increasingly unknowable Supergirl, who confusingly relaxed with Alex’s closeness and began to breathe again.

Her turn from timid hostage to vaguely amused house guest made Alex take a full step back with narrowed eyes.

“What’s going on?”

The playful way Supergirl tapped at her chin felt familiar to Alex, who abandoned the thought when the edges of her mind grew fuzzy with pain again. She gritted her teeth and watched as Supergirl bit her lip and shrugged.

“Well you just had a massive one second headache and I’d like you to go get checked out by Dr.Wang at the DEO but I know you won’t which frustrates me but other than that, nothing.”

How did Supergirl seem to know so much more about _secret agent_ Alex Danvers than Alex did about _public figure_ Supergirl?

“So Supergirl is here in my sister's apartment for drinks on my mom’s behest and she’s suddenly worried about my health when she’s never been before and there’s no other motivations here but good ol’ fashioned Thanksgiving spirit?”

Supergirl winced and looked offended by the end of Alex’s accusations, but why should she be? Despite having a working relationship, this was likely the first (and last, historically speaking) time they’d ever “hang out”. 

Supergirl’s eyes went from dull and sad to light and mischievous in a flash, bleeding the tension from the room. Alex wondered idly if this was a heretofore undiscovered superpower.

“Are you suspecting your mother’s intentions, _Director Danvers_?” Supergirl suddenly teased. Alex took another big swig of her beer, flushed and speechless. All of a sudden her heart was beating much too quickly and she was confused because Supergirl sounded… was she flirting?

A blush threatened up her neck. Supergirl calling her Director Danvers was perhaps affecting her more than she liked. She couldn’t help how useless she would always be in the face of a pretty girl, especially when Alex always tried hard not to notice how Supergirl’s rare smiles made her blue eyes practically sparkle. It wasn’t charming, and Alex would not allow herself to be worn down by this interaction. No way.

“I just don’t- how are you friends with my mom? _We’re_ not even friends and we’ve worked together for years.” Alex swallowed. She hadn’t meant to sound so downtrodden but she was genuinely confused and her mom had completely disappeared even though she was the one who invited a superhero over for drinks.

“Alex, we _are_ friends.” Supergirl sounded defeated, but she was also lying, which made Alex both angry and inexplicably devastated. As if sensing her distress, Supergirl unconsciously moved to hold Alex’s hand. They’d never touched like that before, if anything, they always kept their physical distance—almost like Supergirl didn’t want to touch her, like their lack of friendship was by design, and not Alex’s.

Alex wasn’t about to hold hands with someone she’d seen punch a building in half and who lied about wanting to be friends with her.

Supergirl looked crushed when Alex pulled away. The unexplainable need to comfort pulled at Alex’s heartstrings. She had a strange feeling she’d be really good at cheering up this particular alien, but she held onto her righteous anger and persevered. 

“No, we’re not.”

Supergirl completely deflated, nodding in acceptance. Her eyes were brimming dangerously with unshed tears and Alex couldn’t help the way her heart reached out, wanting more than anything to make it better. This was an alien who just pretended to want to be her friend and the way she clenched her fists and looked beaten down made Alex’s anger simmer until it had all but evaporated.

She took a deep breath and mumbled, “But I guess we could be.” The _only if you stop lying to me_ seemed a moot point.

Supergirl met her gaze in surprise and began to smile with watery eyes, startling Alex enough for her guard to drop, and for Supergirl to press her advantage. She leaned closer into Alex’s personal space. Instinct had Alex, who’s made a career in stepping up to both alien and man, take a deep breath to puff her chest. This felt different than her usual show downs, of course, especially when Supergirl grinned brightly at Alex’s display and pressed a light kiss to her cheek. The air came out of Alex’s lungs like a balloon accidentally let go before the ends could be tied. She was breathless.

“Thank you,” Supergirl whispered. Alex suddenly noticed the sunlight filtering into the kitchen, falling over Supergirl’s hair, bringing out her natural highlights. Her ocean blue eyes looked unfathomably vast in the light. She was so beautiful.

Alex’s heart thumped painfully. Supergirl tilted her head in confusion.

Finishing off the last of her beer and swallowing past the lump in her throat, Alex said, “You’re welcome.”

By the time Kara arrived with 3 pies perched precariously in her arms and a flushed apology, Supergirl was long gone. She’d had an emergency to attend to and bid a quick farewell before jumping off the balcony, leaving her untouched whiskey on her coaster. Alex suspected Supergirl had asked for hard liquor just to impress her, but she wasn’t going to get into the habit of thinking Supergirl was trying to win her over, ever. 

Those thoughts led down a very dangerous road and Alex was already in enough trouble with how much she enjoyed Supergirl’s company. Weirdly enough her mom knew Supergirl couldn’t cook but apparently had no qualms putting her to work, relegating her to cheese grating duty. Did they regularly hang out? Did Supergirl fly to Midvale and chill out with her mom on weekends? She couldn’t imagine her mom coming to National City without coming to see her first. Alex grimaced as she chopped the carrots foisted onto her. 

They’d talked through an hour of food preparation. Supergirl was goofy and liked romantic comedies and did not care for Terminator one or two. She laughed with her whole body, sometimes cackling so hard she almost fell backwards. Alex found herself desperate for the sound and proud at being good at eliciting happiness in Supergirl.

Every burst of laughter kept her heart pounding traitorously in her chest. She studiously ignored what felt so much like a reward. By now Supergirl probably thought she had a heart disease, but she said nothing and continued to smile softly at Alex all the same, eyes twinkling like fairy lights. 

Soon enough the turkey was halfway cooked and all the sides were mashed and yammed. Eliza was even quick enough to prevent Supergirl from dipping her finger into the potatoes for a taste. She appeared chastised but obviously not enough to decline Alex’s invitation of thefting a handful of candied yams to share. 

The experience reminded her of all the childhood Thanksgivings she and Kara formulated and executed flawless food stealing heists. Ocean’s Eleven was one of Alex’s favourite childhood movies and with the amount of times she begged Kara to watch it with her, it only became natural to emulate some of the seedier elements of the film. The fun of sharing stupid code names and trying to outsmart the only adult in the house always alleviated the heaviness of the missing person at the head of the table. 

Alex held those memories close to her and pursed her lips when another slow wave of pain rolled over her. She was glad for the rattling of the doorknob as Kara stepped in and her vision cleared.

“Hey, Supergirl was here,” Alex greeted, popping a carrot into Kara’s mouth before taking the boxes from her arms. The groan of relief as Kara chomped down made Alex grin. Kara followed her around the counter to give Eliza a big, warm hug.

She made a show of swallowing before speaking and was rewarded by Eliza’s soft smile of appreciation. “Oh yeah? Is she coming back?”

“I don’t think so,” Alex said, handing Kara a glass of juice she’d poured while Kara let her mom fuss over her. She picked at the label of her second beer and as casually as she could manage, asked, “Is she over a lot?”

Kara frowned. “You know we’re friends, ‘lex.”

“I didn’t know you two were ‘coming in through your balcony’ friendly.”

Alex eyed her askance as Kara took a suspiciously long pull from her cup. She was a moment away from pushing at this line of questioning when Eliza jumped in, “I don’t think Supergirl takes the stairs, honey.” 

Alex whipped around to face her mother, who was conveniently back to stirring a pot of something or another. “And you! When did you and Supergirl become besties?”

“She’s very sweet, you know,” Eliza reasoned, sharing a knowing look with Kara, who ducked her head, looking rather pleased. 

The thought struck Alex suddenly, that perhaps her family were conspiring against her. After all, Eliza’s phone calls in the last couple of weeks seemed always to end with a long winded version of “go meet a nice girl, Alexandra,” and Kara was consistently in the midst of freaking out over her subpar dating life.

Alex placed her drink onto the counter with maybe more forced than was necessary, startling her family. “Wait, did you- are you trying to set me up with Supergirl?”

Shock from both her mother and Kara made her rethink their betrayal. Kara was giving it away with her blush, however, mouth slack in the shape of an o.

Of the two, her mother was obviously the shrewd one. “That’s absurd, Alexandra.”

Perhaps Eliza would never admit to her charges but years of experience told her Kara would melt, given Alex’s pout and persistence. 

Pulling at Kara’s elbow and dragging her away until Alex could be reasonably sure her mom couldn’t eavesdrop, Alex said, “ _Kara._ ”

“Alex, that’s… ok wait, what’s wrong with Supergirl?”

Alex blinked, hating how flustered she felt when the question was redirected at her. Damn Kara and her damn journalistic gifts.

Not being able to look at Kara anymore, not when she knew her sister was the only human in the world with the uncanny ability to make her spill her guts, she chose instead to watch herself fidget with the neck of the bottle in her hands. “Nothing, I mean, she’s pretty and all, but she’s, you know, it’s not like that.”

“You think she’s pretty?”

“I’ve got eyes, Kara,” Alex said with a roll of them. Kara’s smug smile and the dusting of blush along her cheekbones was a mystery, but Alex decided to take it as a sign of admittance.

“Stop it! It’s not a thing!”

Kara shrugged, looking too self-satisfied for Alex to believe her. “I didn’t say it was.”

“You’re acting all shifty.”

“I’m not trying to set you and Supergirl up, Alex, chill out.”

Alex crossed her arms. Disappointment was not welling in her stomach, because she was definitely not interested in Supergirl. “Good, ‘cause she isn’t my type.”

“I know,” Kara agreed with a frown. Alarms in the part of Alex trained to be in tune with Kara’s emotions started flashing red. Had Kara’s failed matchmaking really upset her so much? Alex couldn’t have an upset Kara, _ever_ , and Kara upset because of her? Absolutely the worst feeling in the world, and one Alex was disappointingly familiar with. 

The hand she laid on Kara’s bicep succeeded in getting Kara to look at her. She ignored the hard muscle she could feel underneath her palm, because she had to fix Kara’s sudden lethargy and wasn’t meant to be distracted by her workout routine. “I mean, she’s gorgeous and actually pretty funny and I guess Krypton was an advanced race so she’s really smart and mom likes her, but honestly it’s 2019, who likes _blondes_?”

Balking at her teasing, Kara let her grimace turn into something brighter, if still a little sad. Kara watched as Alex took a strand of her hair and twirled it around her index finger until she could tug at it with a crook of her finger. 

“Jerk,” Kara said with no bite. 

Alex grinned and pressed a decidedly sloppy kiss to Kara’s cheek. “I love you, goober.”

Kara wiped her cheek with the back of her hand and smeared it onto the front of Alex’s sweater before Alex could protest. She laughed at her handiwork as Alex pushed her shoulder in retaliation. 

“I love you too.”

Cuddling on the couch, half-asleep and too full to move, Alex felt content as could be. Eliza had wisely tapped out hours ago and retreated to Kara’s guest room, but Alex and Kara had built a solid decades long tradition of lazing around after Thanksgiving dinner. No one was going to pull either girls out of the cozy nest they’d created under the softest throw Kara owned.

So when she spoke, Alex was almost too zenned out to reply.

“Supergirl really likes you, you know.”

Kara pulled back from where she’d squished her face against Alex’s shoulder at the noise of disbelief coming out of her mouth. Both of Kara’s hands landed beside Alex’s thigh as she twisted her body to stare, the blanket they were under falling into a pool around their waists. 

The cold seeped into her skin quicker than she’d like, but Alex didn’t move from her slumped position on the couch to make a face. “Yeah right.”

Kara made a face of equal incredulity back. “Why is that so hard to believe? You’re amazing, Alex,” she said with a stern level of sincerity only Kara could manage. Alex felt heat at the tips of her ears.

“She barely knows me.”

Kara bit her lip and Alex turned just in time to zero in on the movement, wondering when Kara came into the habit of biting her lip, and wondering why she never noticed how Kara and Supergirl were the same shade of blonde.

“Do you _like_ her?” 

Alex blinked, her thoughts easily trailing away. She laughed at Kara’s funny joke, but the sound slowly petered off when Kara didn’t join in. Her guttural impulse to deny bounced and slid away against the image of Supergirl from that afternoon, grinning as she offered Alex a cookie from Kara’s secret stash. In all the time she’s worked with Supergirl, she couldn’t remember thinking about her with anything but detached professionalism, but after just a glimpse of Supergirl metaphorically sans cape, she could feel warmth bleeding into every thought of her.

_Like_ was such a complicated word, and feeling.

Smoothing her hand through her hair, Alex swallowed hard. 

“You do, don’t you?” Kara asked hesitantly. There was no usual prodding or teasing for Alex to answer. Kara looked blindsided, upset, and shifted further away on the couch, until Alex couldn’t feel her body heat anymore. 

She wanted to reach out and comfort Kara but didn’t know how, not without knowing why Kara was upset to begin with.

Before Alex could formulate a response that wasn’t, “I don’t think I knew her until today,” Kara stood up and quietly announced, “I think I’m gonna go to bed.”

“Kara?”

“Night, Alex.”

Cleaning up the mess on the coffee table took Alex ten minutes, which would’ve been five if Kara kept her end of the bargain and hadn’t begged off to bed so suddenly. She was definitely going to get some mileage out of tonight’s abandonment. Perhaps she could convince Kara to give her the last slice of pizza on sister night—she’d do it just to listen to Kara whine but knew she’d inevitably give in anyway.

Slivers of light from the hallway as Alex opened the bedroom door fell onto the lump wrapped up under a blanket. Kara was facing away from the entrance. Entering with light steps, Alex clicked the door shut and slid underneath the comforter as gently as possible. Kara didn’t move but was obviously awake, the skin around her eyes creased with little wrinkles from being clenched too tightly.

“Hey, I know you’re not asleep.” 

Frustrating silence permeated the room, but Alex wasn't deterred. Having given an entire childhood coaxing Kara out of her shell, Alex was proud of every trick she had under her sleeve to get Kara talking.

“What’s wrong?” she asked, brushing blonde bangs away from Kara’s forehead, watching her face relax. Touch always worked. She continued petting Kara’s hair and tried again. 

“Is this about Supergirl?”

Even in the dark, Alex could see Kara’s face scrunch up again. Bingo.

“Kara, I’m not going to steal your best friend.”

That was the last straw, apparently. Stubbornly keeping her eyes shut, Kara said, very seriously, “ _Y_ _ou’re_ my best friend.”

Alex grinned.

“Well then I’m not gonna let her steal me.”

Slowly and with a little growl Alex found absolutely precious, Kara gave up whatever was holding her back and shuffled into Alex, her nose nudging into Alex’s neck until she found a comfortable angle to rest. Taking the hint, Alex wound practiced arms around Kara’s shoulders and snuggled in. 

When Kara slid her hands under her shirt and pressed her hot palms flat against the small of Alex’s back, she couldn’t help the shiver shooting up her spine, which seemed to convince Kara to eliminate what little space existed between them.

With their legs tangled together and Kara breathing against her neck, Alex silently repeated to herself what she already knew to be the truth; She could and would weather any obstacle to protect Kara. Keeping already established boundaries between her and Supergirl was hardly a challenge at all. If that and being held was the reassurance Kara needed from Alex, it would be a cakewalk.

The next time Alex “hung out” with Supergirl, she was pointing a gun at her.

To be fair, Supergirl had a habit of showing up in apartments which were not her own. As a trained agent, it would be shameful to her entire agency for Alex not to defend herself against someone who’d essentially broken into her home.

Except once she recognized the cape and boots, she’d immediately lowered her weapon.

Some badass secret agent she was.

“You should lock your windows, you know,” Supergirl teased, winking at her from her comfortable perch on Alex’s scarcely used kitchen counter.

Though not actually as annoyed as she should be, Alex scowled at Supergirl, who grinned at her reaction and playfully swung her legs. Her brows furrowed when she took a quick glance out her window. She lived on the 38th floor, sure, but why did she never lock her balcony door? The reason niggled at the back of her mind, but when she reached for it, a flash of anger answered instead.

Her fingers itched for the gun she’d just tucked away. Alex resisted with a dazed intensity as confusion warred inside of her. The back of her head pounded with the familiar heat of a fight, but her body clearly opposed. She felt weirdly torn, like her mind was disassociated from the muscle memory of her arms and legs. She took to pressing her fist into the side of her head, trying to keep her feet on the floor, to focus on what was happening.

Which was Supergirl suddenly in front of her, likely having super sped over. The teasing for using her powers to cross the space of twelve steps almost left Alex’s mouth before she was compelled to squeeze her fists instead, the pressure reminding her this was not their relationship—she and Supergirl did not have any sort of relationship.

Threatening the very idea was how Supergirl gripped Alex’s wrist gently and watched her with unabashed worry.

It was so _wrong_.

“Alex?”

The touch burned, pleasantly so, bewildering Alex with its familiarity. 

“I’m taking you to the DEO.”

“No.”

Releasing her even though Alex didn’t really want her to, Supergirl took a step back with fists balled up.“Stop being so stubborn!”

She was frustrated, and so was Alex.

“Stop acting like you care!”

“I do care!”

“Why!?” Alex nearly yelled. She reeled back, perplexed, as strange heartbreak bled into Supergirl’s eyes.

“You’re not supposed to care, you’re not-”

Supergirl stepped closer to her. Alex watched her hands clench and unclench, reaching out and retreating, like she was fighting her own nature to stay away.

“How could you say that?”

None of Supergirl’s questions made sense. Alex was so sure Supergirl wasn’t supposed to like her, every experience with her on the field assured her of this, until now, undeniable fact.

“You don’t care about me and I don’t care about you. We don’t have anything but a working relationship. I don’t look at you for more than twenty seconds at a time and you’ve never even looked at me.”

“I’ve always seen you, Alex, I can’t help it.” 

Ostensibly resigned at her own words, a look of determination settled over Supergirl’s features moments later. She was always such an open book to Alex—a superhero whose physical invulnerability translated to an emotional vulnerability Alex begrudgingly admired. Barely having escaped her coming out without losing her mind at all the ways she made herself invisible _to her own damn self_ , Alex wasn’t even halfway done sorting out the trauma of her high school years. 

Yet Supergirl was here, of her own volition, and bravery, seeking Alex out because she could understand her own needs and wants like Alex was only beginning to.

The meaning of Supergirl’s expression became clear when Alex realized she was leaning in slowly, giving Alex seconds to pull away. She couldn’t, and Supergirl pressed a feather soft kiss against Alex’s lips.

All the emotion she built up over the course of the evening clenched inside her chest and ignited. Maybe Supergirl meant to pull back at a touch, but Alex had no such intention. More aggressively than she would ever normally dare, Alex pushed her body forward, seeking the path of tiny explosions winding its way through her body, each detonation set to the rhythm of Supergirl’s movements. 

Supergirl was a respectful partner, neither pushy nor brazen, but Alex was on fire, and she understood abruptly she planned to burn everything down with it.

A careful hand on her hip triggered the immediate slide of her hand into thick blonde hair. She pulled with more passion than intention, but the noise of surprise it elicited from Supergirl thrilled her. She closed into Supergirl’s space until there was none left between their bodies. Solid arms wound around her waist and Supergirl held a willing Alex a little too tightly against her. Supergirl’s body was unyielding and Alex was enthralled.

She’d wanted this for so long, so long, so… long?

Something was wrong. Alex pushed at Supergirl’s shoulders with her whole body. She pushed and pushed and didn’t stop pushing until Supergirl allowed them to be separated and Alex had her pinned to the nearest wall, both of them breathing heavily.

“You don’t care about me and I don’t care about you. We don’t have anything but a working relationship. I don’t look at you for more than twenty seconds at a time and you’ve never even looked at me,” Alex recited. No, these were her current thoughts, her feelings, she knew them to be true.

Supergirl’s pupils were blown and she didn’t move a muscle. She seemed pained, even if Alex couldn’t possibly hurt her. 

“Please don’t say that again.”

The words came unbidden, like they were resting on the edge of a cliff waiting to jump, “Y- you don’t care about me and I don’t care about you. We don’t have anything but a working relationship. I don’t look at you for more than twenty seconds at a time and you’ve never even looked at me.”

“Please, Alex,” Supergirl whimpered.

She was crying silently, begging Alex to stop. With Alex’s sympathy rose those same words, hanging onto the tip of her tongue. She wanted to say them so badly, keep them true, but she swallowed the ache because they rang more false with each repetition. Her hands shook on Supergirl’s strong shoulders. “I don’t- I don’t know why I can’t- it’s like I- I have to-“

“Do you want me to go?”

“No!” Alex pleaded, and after a moment of silence that threatened to kill her, added a small, “Please.”

Supergirl seemed momentarily relieved, and then frowned deeply again. 

“Can I hold you?”

Alex nodded. Resistance failing as she fell into the embrace Supergirl held open for her. She felt an unfathomable, wonderful safety in immovable, steel arms, and it was as inviting as it was jarring. 

Supergirl held her until they were both breathing steadily, and longer than that, until Alex began to lose strength in her legs. Without asking and in a move bolder than Alex expected, she pulled Alex’s legs up around her waist and floated them to bed. 

They landed on their sides. Alex barely felt Supergirl maneuver her sideways; a rush going through her at Supergirl’s casual show of control and strength. Face to face on top of her covers, a veil of unexpected intimacy fell over them. Reaching out to brush the hair out of Supergirl’s face felt nothing but natural, but she retracted her hand when she saw the anguish it caused Supergirl. Embarrassed at being caught up in a moment, Alex turned onto her back and stared at her ceiling.

“It’s not what you think,” Supergirl hurried to clarify. She sounded breathless, and Alex was desperate to change the topic.

“Why are you here?”

“I guess I wanted to test a theory.”

“And what‘s your conclusion?” Alex asked, curious. Turning to watch Supergirl was a mistake. Clear blue eyes were concentrated on her in a way that made Alex’s cheeks burn again.

Supergirl bangs fell into her eyes as she shrugged. Alex was transfixed and trying not to be. Shyly, Supergirl said, “That I can’t stay away from you no matter how hard I try.”

Alex leaned in and kissed her.

Kara was full of nerves when Alex arrived for their movie night the day after her and Supergirl’s… meeting. She twisted her hands into the sleeves of her sweater, a habit she picked up from Alex as teens, and every time Alex tried to catch her eye, she suddenly had something much more interesting to look at. 

“She told you,” Alex stated, point blank. 

“I thought you said you weren’t interested?” Kara didn’t play coy, which caught Alex by surprise, though not more than the question that sounded much more like an accusation. 

“I wasn’t interested in being set up by you and mom.”

“We weren’t doing that.”

Alex sighed. “It’s nothing.”

“Supergirl made it seem like something,” Kara said. Alex was going to have to kick Supergirl’s ass. 

“She’s attractive.”

Alex couldn’t wrap her head around why Kara sounded so hurt when she asked, “So it’s just physical?”

“I really don’t want to talk about my sex life with my baby sister, please?”

“Foster sister,” Kara whispered, before turning away and sitting down heavily in one of her dining table chairs.

Alex watched Kara stare down at her feet and frowned. They barely ever made the distinction anymore, and it stung that Kara still would. Or maybe that was her head beginning to hurt again.

Walking over slowly, Alex crouched in front of Kara and placed her hands on top of hers, squeezing in encouragement. “Supergirl is off the table tonight, it’s just you and me, ok?”

The smile Kara gave her was tremulous, but it was enough.

The closer Alex allowed Supergirl, the further Kara drifted.

Alex still didn’t want to believe in the cause and effect of the two relationships, but whatever Supergirl was sharing with Kara was making her pull away, and Alex couldn’t bear it.

Maybe the middle of a make out session was an untimely place to hash this out, but Supergirl had shown up when she called with a smirk and a cocky confidence Alex wasn’t immune to. She was distracting and Alex needed to get a grip.

Especially now, with Supergirl mouthing down her neck, a hickey blooming on her collarbone. With her feet planted on the bed and Supergirl between her knees, Alex gasped, and accidentally encouraged Supergirl to suck harder.

Get it together, Danvers.

She pulled at Supergirl’s hair, hard enough to let her know it was serious. Blue eyes were hazy when Supergirl rose, and her gaze moved down and lingered proudly on the purple bruise she’d just created.

She was so smug and Alex wanted so badly to prop herself up on her elbows and kiss her swollen lips again, but she needed Kara back more. “What are you saying to my sister?” she husked. They both blushed at the timbre of her voice. Alex cleared her throat before Supergirl turned red enough for her to call in the med team.

“What?”

They’ve been doing this, whatever this was, for almost three weeks now, and Kara had already cancelled on her a total of seven times. It couldn’t be a coincidence.

“She’s… she’s avoiding me and she doesn’t do that,” Alex explained, apprehensive at the lines of two purposefully divided worlds touching. Supergirl furrowed her brows, bringing out the crinkle Alex wanted to kiss. The urge completely dissipated when Supergirl lied to her, “I haven’t said anything to her, I promise.”

Supergirl bent down and captured her lips in a deep, promising kiss before she could reply. Trained in diversion tactics and loathe to lose her train of thought despite how good it felt, Alex reluctantly turned her cheek into her pillow.

Ever the gentlewoman, Supergirl pulled away. She sweetly cupped Alex’s cheek with one hand, stroking the cut of her jaw with her other. It was disconcertingly tender, especially paired with the attentiveness of Supergirl’s gaze.

“Kara is my best friend,” Alex declared. Supergirl hovered over her, searching her eyes for something, then sat back on her haunches.

“I know.”

Running a nervous hand through her hair, Alex sighed. “Whatever is happening here, you understand Kara is the most important person in my life.”

The look Supergirl gave her sent an ache through her chest Alex didn’t truly understand. She pressed a sweet, fleeting kiss to Alex’s cheek and was out the window before Alex could ask her why.

Hurried knocking on her door revealed a harried Kara, hair awry, who marched past Alex when she answered and proceeded to stare her down from the living room. Eyeing the rumpled sheets on her bed from her earlier activities stirred the guilt living in Alex’s chest. She chose to walk into the kitchen, redirecting Kara’s gaze. 

Kara pointedly glanced at her bed, then back at a red-faced Alex. “You told me you and Supergirl were just physical, is that still true?”

“I don’t know.” Alex said quickly, before walking further into the kitchen to grab a beer. She took her time popping the cap and taking a sip she didn’t even want, just to give her time to think. “I just feel like I’m doing something wrong with you, when I’m with her.”

“Maybe we need some space,” Kara suggested meekly. Anxiety and fear shot through Alex’s heart like a dull arrow. They hadn’t gone a week without seeing each other since Alex left for college first.

“I never want space.”

Stepping closer to her, Kara reached out and took her hand. Her palm was warm and dry in Alex’s and fit so perfectly together with her own that she wanted to cry. The tears came despite how much she wanted to hold them back. “What do you want, Alex?”

“Fuck, Kara, it doesn’t even matter, what do _you_ want?”

“Alex, it matters. What you want matters. My whole life you’ve been asking me that same question, and the one thing I want most… I don’t think I could ever ask you for. I wouldn’t do that to you.” Kara’s words were bursting with sincerity and love and a deep melancholy Alex couldn’t misread unless with determination. But she was tired and her head always seemed to be throbbing these days.

Hope struggled out of the purposefully unlabeled box Alex was so sure she sealed away, washing over her even as she actively chose not to feel it. She’d spent her entire adult life hiding how she felt from Kara and was strangely relieved she’d squirreled it away deeply enough that Kara still couldn’t see just how much Alex loved her. 

The only reason she could muster her next words was because it was Kara standing in front of her.

“I- I would give it to you.”

Kara shook her head. Soft tears fell down her cheeks. She was so sad, so defeated, and Alex had her arms around Kara in an instant.

She didn’t believe Alex, or didn’t understand, but that was okay, for now. This was fixable, because Alex needed it to be.

Locking away every unsisterly feeling she had for Kara and being given a key after so long was a head rush and a stomach ache after a rollercoaster ride. She hadn’t thought she was _allowed_ to feel this way and Supergirl, in a way, was easier.

Unresolved feelings for her foster sister was probably a good reason to have a long, difficult conversation with a caped crusader.

Then Cadmus attacked.

The DEO restructured.

J’onn came to her door a few days later.

And she remembered.

  
  


Supergirl, who was Kara, who was her sister, who was _Supergirl_ , sat on her couch, twisting the end of her cape in her hands—a nervous habit she’d emulated from Alex in their teens.

Alex stood at her kitchen counter, doing the same with the cuffs of her oversized sweater, one she’d stolen from Kara’s closet because she wanted to.

Neither had said a word since Alex practically ordered Supergirl to stop avoiding her and to show up at her apartment to talk.

Fixable, she’d thought, biting her lip almost hard enough to hurt herself. If she couldn’t make it all better by her own crimes, then she would patch it up as best she could, and hope Kara wouldn’t completely oust her from her life.

“That thing I said to you...why did I keep saying that?”

Kara stiffened, then looked up at Alex. There was warmth there, and love, and Alex had to look away.

“J’onn’s mind wipe creates parameters for your brain to fill and your mind supplied you with a mantra to protect the thoughts you weren’t allowed to think, that weren't supposed to exist. If you could be convinced of Supergirl’s indifference, you wouldn’t have a reason to care. You still loved your sister and you didn’t love Supergirl so they were two different people. It was one more way to create distance between them.”

Once Kara began, it was like she couldn’t stop. Standing up and letting go of her cape, she paced the short length of Alex’s living room. “But I was greedy and I forgot—and I made you forget not to care because I’m selfish and couldn’t stay away.”

Shoulders drooping, she paused her back and forth. “And then I was mad at you, for not wanting me as Kara.”

“You wanted Supergirl but not Kara Danvers so I gave you exactly that, because it was what I could get.”

Alex drew forward, but couldn’t bring herself any closer. “Kara, no.”

Kara in her living room, in her Supergirl uniform, but still the girl who’d come into Alex’s life and changed it irrevocably—shifted Alex’s entire trajectory into a pinhole fitting Kara into view and not much else. Someone Alex has loved for as long as it mattered, who she couldn’t _be_ in love with by virtue of what everyone else called them, who she didn’t think would ever be in love with her, like this.

Kara kept talking, letting bitterness leech into her voice like she so rarely allowed. “It makes sense, I was still your sister and of course you’d always see me as that, I get it.”

Alex shook her head. “Kara, please. You don’t get it at all.”

“You don’t have to lie to me, Alex. I’m just… I’m so sorry. I’m sorry I took advantage of your attraction to someone you didn’t know was me, that the mind wipe designed to be anything but your sister. I hope you can forgive me, one day.”

“ _Listen to me_ ,” Alex said, serious. Kara stopped, impossibly still for a human, watching Alex approach on uneasy steps.

“I love you,” she breathed. They weren’t words Kara hadn’t heard before, but the meaning had changed. Alex had nothing to hide, not anymore. “Kara, I would give you anything you asked.”

“I don’t want you to give me things that hurt you,” Kara replied softly. 

Kissing Supergirl hadn’t hurt her as much as it had confused her, and it had only confused her because it felt like undeserved intimacy. What truly hurt was Kara leaving because she couldn’t be two people for Alex—Kara thinking she’d pick one over the other, who made a choice for her because Alex had her mind wiped.

But Kara hadn’t known yet.

“It doesn’t hurt me to love you, sometimes it feels like the only thing I do right,” Alex confessed. She tugged at Kara’s crossed arms until she could slip her hands into Kara’s. With what felt like the last of her bravery, she leaned in and drew her nose along the side of Kara’s face, resting her forehead against Kara’s temple. 

Kara’s voice was quiet, but strong. “I love you, Alex.” She pulled her hands away to wrap Alex up in a hug that would surely leave a bruise or two, and it was the kind of tight Alex reveled in.

“I love you, too,” she said.

Their first kiss with memories intact and secrets out in the open was a revelation.

Like she’d done before, Kara brought them to bed with hands firmly tucked under Alex’s thighs. Except when they landed this time, she brought them up to Alex’s rear, and let them stay there.

“So you and Supergirl, huh?” she asked playfully, cheeks pinkened. A switch had definitely flipped inside Kara, who was suddenly comfortable with lascivious teasing and pulling Alex closer into her front by her ass. If she was being bold, so would Alex.

She didn’t hesitate in tipping forward to kiss Kara, relishing in the gasp of surprise before Kara pushed forward into her. Alex melted, softening until she was all but being cradled, held together by Kara’s arms.

She pulled back to murmur against Kara’s lips. “You are literally Supergirl.”

“You didn’t _know_ that,” Kara whined. Her pout was too adorable not to kiss, and the hum of pleasure Alex felt against her chest when she ducked her head to once again cover it with her mouth gave her an indescribable rush. 

“I guess I have a type then.”

Kara looked dazed, beaming at her like sunlight incarnate. “Oh yeah?”

“Yeah, blonde and annoying.”

“Alex!”

The realization peeking through Kara’s dreamy-eyed stare made Alex chuckle. She laid a gentle hand on Kara’s cheek, and ghosted the tips of her finger tips over Kara’s perfect skin. Home had always been a place before an alien landed on her front lawn, and now there was no chance it could be anything but the girl who shivered when Alex’s index brushed down the pulse at her neck.

Alex nuzzled her nose against the spot she’d just touched, pleased when Kara shuddered again. 

“I love you, and if I’d gotten to spend more time with Supergirl I would’ve loved her too, because she’s you, and there’s no you I wouldn’t be in love with.”

Kara pressed a lingering kiss to the side of her head and sighed dreamily. 

“Ok.”


End file.
